10 Films You Like And I Don't

By: Walter Ball

Tuesday January 01, 2008

You know you do... don't lie.
Every now and then, I come across a film that everyone tells me is "something I gotta see" or "one of the best damn film that he or she has seen in a long time" and after all of the hype and fuss that I have had to deal with from friends, family and my fellow film critic peers and I'm utterly disappointed. And with that, here is a list of 10 instances where I demanded a friend, family or peer to refund me my money.


1. Transformers (2007): My fellow film geeks and I, like standard film geeks everywhere, would take many pokes at Michael Bay. And with the hollowed out eye candy that Bay I known for, who wouldn't? Sadly, this all came to an end upon the release of Bay's crack at a live-action adaptation of the Transformers. All of a sudden, film geeks and pop culture geeks everywhere seemed to have forgiven Bay for Armageddon, Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys. "He has redeemed himself!" said one colleague. Well, this geek was not convinced. Like many…no…like ALL of Bay's films, Transformers is 80% visual effects and 20% story. I don't care if Peter Cullen voiced Optimus Prime and I don't care if the film had nostalgic references to the cartoon. In fact, the 1986 animated feature film had a far more in-depth, character driven story than this farce. . I wanted a good movie that not only had giant robots and huge explosions but also some substance. If I wanted childhood nostalgia, I'll go play with my son's toys

2. Superbad (2007): This is my most recent experience of this nature. Every film geek website, including Harry Knowles and Aint It Cool News hailed Superbad as the "Citizen Kane of dick-joke movies". I'm almost sure that one of my friends described the film as "Porky's with smarts". That friend became very close to being buried alive in a random spot along the NY State Thruway. To me, Superbad is the story of two penis-obsessed friends who chase after beer while their clichéd nerdy companion "McLovin" learns about life and love from two police officers who, in reality, would've never gotten past the civil service exam.. Sure, I laughed for a good bit but by the 500th of the film's 5,000 penis references, I started to get a little bored. Eventually, boredom turned into agitation and back into boredom. If a two-hour tour de force of the male phallus is considered smart comedy, then what would be considered dumb? Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg should make their resolution for 2008 be to make a comedy that ventures into a different realm, like poop or something.

3. Grindhouse: Death Proof/Planet Terror (2007) Although I'm not a fanboy, I like Tarantino and I like Rodriguez. But I have to say that watching their Grindhouse film, Death Proof and Planet Terror, it reminded me of the scene in Tim Burton's Ed Wood where Ed Wood (Johnny Depp) is trying to convince Georgie Weiss (Mike Starr) that Bela Lugosi's presence in the film Glen Or Glenda would help boost the film's revenue. Its just "crap with a star". And that's what Death Proof and Planet Terror are: two films that emulate grainy film quality, flawed but catchy dialogue and outrageous, exaggerated violence, both with an all star cast. Hence, crap with stars. Death Proof may be highlighted with a fun effort from Kurt Russell but it is marred with boring and irrelevant dialogue. Sure its, realistic but realism is boring. And Planet Terror is nothing more than a tribute to Troma films. Emulation is the only thing I can think of when these two films come to mind.

4. I Know What You Did Last Summer (1996): According to my friends, this film was an absolute 10 on the fright factor. I didn't realize how easily scare the American audience could get until I saw this farce. I Know What You Did Last Summer is the first of the many Scream knockoffs that followed. Like many of these films, it lacks any sense of smarts and substance. Its just 90 minutes of spoiled teenagers getting killed. Been there done that.

5. Grease (1978): I'm sorry but just don't feel the love with this film. First off, everyone in this movie playing high school students all looked 30 Why? Because they all were 30!! John Travolta, at 24, was the youngest of the main cast! Oh! And lets not forget the songs! While the guys all dug "Greased Lightning", the girls pranced to "Summer Nights" and they all sang along to "We Go Together", I would be the only one covering my ears and drowning myself in Pepto. Also, the film implies that unless you belong to an established, reputable clique (i.e. the T-Birds and the Pink Ladies), you are nothing but a tool! And according to my parents and other people who lived through the era, THIS is not what the 50's were all about! Everyone admits that Grease 2 was bad, why can't they do the same with the equally mediocre predecessor? I will say it and I will stick to it: Grease is NOT the word!





6. American Pie (1999) "Dude! It's just like us in high school!" said my friends upon their initial viewing of this film After I watched it, I felt insulted. I found no connection with any of these guys, not even the likable Jim Levenstein. High School jocks may have been as dumb as Oz, but none of them tried that hard to pursue a girl And Stifler would've been on the receiving end of many ass kickings and eventual expulsion from school! On top of that, the film presents nothing that could not be found in any of the popular teen sex comedies of the 80's. Funny: yes! Original: not the slightest!

7. 300 (2007) 300 has been labeled as the "manliest film ever!" (Apparently these people never saw The Wild Bunch or The Big Red One) and, in some cases, the "best film of 2007". To me, 300 is an entertaining popcorn film, nothing more. In regards to its substance and its dramatic overtone, I was not moved the slightest. The cinematography played out like most music videos and Xbox games, while the dialogue and overall acting was passé and rather laughable. It brought me back to my time as young child, acting out a scene with my He-Man figures. Zack Snyder and Frank Miller could definitely learn something from Ridley Scott and Mel Gibson. If you want style and swords (and unintentional comedy), go with 300. If you want something more, go with anything else.

8. Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004): Michael Moore's "shocking" look into the Bush administration and the Iraq war was nothing but two hours of stuff we already knew. He's a hack and still a hypocrite. Just ask Ralph Nader.

9. Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977): It's supposedly a classic; if I can stay awake for its entire duration, I might just agree. But until then, zzzzzz.

10. Garden State (2004): I like Zach Braff on "Scrubs". His comedic style, demeanor and timing remind me of a mix of Jerry Seinfeld and Ray Romano, only funnier. However, I don't care much for movie Zach Braff. All of the smiles and humor is wiped away, replaced with a quiet, troubled twentysomething guy who stares into emptiness while his friends mingle and party amongst themselves. Garden State is our introduction to Zach's movie alter-ego. Its is your standard coming of age indie comedy, with Zach as your standard coming of age indie protagonist and Natalie Portman as your standard coming of age indie love interest who is so crazy and unique that she is perfect (such girls don't exist!) And what film like this is complete without a soundtrack, loaded with a bunch of indie rock bands that only hipster who get this movie listen to. With that, Garden State is the little independent movie who tried so hard to be independent. Stop staring at me Zach Braff! You're weirding me out!


And there you have it! Agree with me or disagree with me! Applaud me or send me death threats! This the beauty of cinematic criticism: you can make it your own.