Top Five Things Never To Say In Horror

By: Steven Meyer

Monday September 03, 2007

Be Careful...
This was written as a companion piece to Catherine Ott's wonderful and well-researched Horror Movie Blunders. While she touched on the sort of things you should never DO in a horror movie situation, I'd like to talk about the things you should never SAY during a horror movie situation... the kind of things that cause the psycho killer's ears to prick up in excitement as he begins to pump his phallus-replacing machete in the air in anticipation.

So here are a few key things to avoid saying if you're ever locked in a creepy abandoned house or a creepy abandoned mental asylum or a creepy abandoned Toys 'R Us or... whatever. Let's start with the most obvious one first:


  1. "I'll be right back..."

Yes, Matthew Lillard said it in Scream and then we all thought he was going to die, but then he didn't because he turned out to be the killer and we were all so shocked by how clever he was. Then again, this is a guy whose only form of "acting" seems to be the ability to drool on cue. Moving along...

  1. "Is anybody in here?"

You walk into a dark, empty room and say this. The only response you get is a black cat jumping out of a closet at you or somebody in the distance going, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ch-ch-ch-ch!" Either way, you pee your pants and run, because it's the only smart thing to do. Not say something stupid like:

  1. "I think we should check it out..."

No! No! No! Goddammit! No! This is the problem with these kinds of situations. People seem to shut their brains off. Nevermind the fact that you've already found your best friend hacked to eleventy-seven billion pieces in somebody's tea cabinet, but now you want to wander off like some kind of retard at a petting zoo, just begging to get bitten. Next thing you know you're gonna be saying something like:

  1. "What's the worse that could happen?"

"Oh sure, we're stuck out here in the middle of nowhere with no electricity, no gas left in our car, and no signal bars on our cell phones. Not to mention that this used to be an Indian burial ground or was the site where that guy hacked up his entire family with a pair of pruning shears. There's nobody for miles! What's the worse that could ha- hey, what are you doing with those pruning shears? Ahhh! GOD NO!"

  1. "We have to go back for him/her/them!"

No... no you don't.