D1 Grand Prix

Rating ESRB: Everyone Genre driving Publisher Mastiff External Links Official Yuke's Company of America Website

I was taking the trash out the other day, and I happened to have been holding a copy of D1 Grand Prix in my hand. Taking out the trash is an irksome chore, and I tend to be kind of clumsy. Placing my trash inside the larger garbage can, I accidentally dropped D1 Grand Prix in with it. I instinctively hesitated for a moment; did I really want to dig it out of there? I mean, I had a review to write, and it was my job to finish this.

This, however, is not really a review; think of it as a warning. This game is terrible. This is the kind of game where I assume the developers and programmers were gathered around a table, laughing their asses off and trying to figure out how to make the gamer suffer. Am I being dramatic? I would like to think so.

Here is what really furrows my brow the most about this game: you load it up and try to start the main "D1 Series" mode, and frustratingly click on it over and over, wondering why it won't let you continue. See, actually playing the game is something that might really prove to be an entertaining diversion, but they won't let you do that yet. First, you must get through the exhaustingly long and painful tutorial mode, which I can only imagine was spawned and created by the most hated demons in the lowest and most inner circles of Hell. Few modern games practice this tradition these days. Not only does the game have the audacity to make you suffer through a tutorial mode, but it is also easily the worst tutorial mode I have ever played, bar none.

There are roughly a dozen training levels you must surpass before you can unlock the main mode. Now, this doesn't sound too bad, but keep this in mind: every training level is introduced by this awful wench of a woman, constantly berating you about doing some "totally sweet drifts." Her instructions occasionally take longer than the actual level itself, which usually consists of maneuvering your car down the road to the finish line without having it go off-road. It sounds like an easy task, but keep in mind that your car handles like a shopping cart. I've been spoiled on racing games like Mario Kart 64, where the brake button does not even apply to the gameplay, but just try steering one of these suckers in a straight line. I know it's realistic that cars designed to drift are supposed to be difficult to control, but it just isn’t any fun at all! A blind man at a piñata convention has more control over himself than you will in this game.

Graphically, the game is solid, but just passable. The backgrounds are completely nondescript, and while the actual car models are pretty decent looking, it's nothing really to write home about. The music defines the terms "grating" and "repetitive". This is the kind of crap you'd expect to hear in an elevator at your dentist’s office. They are keyboards and MIDI guitars from hell.

So, what are the redeeming qualities of the game? Not many! There is a "Quick Race" option that allows you to pass by the BS and actually play the game, but this isn't really that much fun anyway. Well, unless you like clumsily poking around a track, essentially driving like an elderly bald man would while on his way to his orthopedist. The most enjoyable part of the game comes shortly after you turn the power on; a warning message comes on the screen, informing the gamer, "Don't try this at home." D1 Grand Prix is a game so obviously terrible that the developers had to inform you before you went on any further: It’s sound advice coming from Yuke's, and you would be best to heed it.