BRIT Awards 2007
By: Ian Pointer |
Sunday February 18, 2007 |
| Thank you to our corporate masters |
| It's Valentine's Day, and I have nothing better to do than watch the BRIT
Awards. This saddens me, so I've decided to inflict it upon a wider
audience. Bear with me.
This year is supposedly special; it's the first time since 1989 that the awards have been held live. No Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson troubles; instead an incredibly inept performance by Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood caused the organisers to retreat to the pleasures of the tape delay. Which didn't mean that the subsequent ceremonies were devoid of controversy; in 1992, the KLF fired machine gun blanks into the crowd during "3am Eternal", but most famous of all were the 1996 awards. Oasis got more inebriated each time they won an award, proceedings got quite rowdy, and then, as a finale, Jarvis Cocker invaded Michael Jackson's Messiah performance of "Earth Song", to the delight of people all over the world. And Annie Lennox won Best Female Artist. But now, it's 2007! With little scandal surrounding the awards, and the fact that the winners were known before the television broadcast, ratings have been falling for the past few years. So, the BPI have thrown caution to the tape-delayed wind, bringing back a live telecast, and hiring "edgy" comedian Russell Brand (the thinking man's Jimmy Carr) to try and inject some sense of danger and excitement into the night. Any reports that they'll be showing a real-time graph of EMI's share price are currently unfounded. The big news of tonight is that Oasis will be playing five songs. Five songs. In a two-hour show. Which seems a touch excessive. Anyway, to begin. Starting out slowly and reservedly with the Scissor Sisters. We seem to have adopted them, even if their second album isn't a patch on the first. Lots of people with blacked-out tops. And then onto our host. Countdown to first swear begins now. Tonight's theme is apparently love and hate. And I want to stab Brand through the heart already! Hurrah! First up, Best BRITish Live Act: Muse. Then into Snow Patrol, introduced as "live human beings with real feelings and emotions". Although you can't tell, seeing as they had them surgically removed in their operation to become Coldplay Zero a few years back. Will...to...live...losing... Best BRITish Breakthrough, introduced by Jarvis Cocker. Bonus points for bringing him on to "Cunts Are Running The World". Shock one for The Fratellis beating Lily Allen. Still, at least they thank their ma's and da's before being subjected to the tape-delay when complaining about Tony Blair or something. Best International Breakthrough: Orson. AWESOME! And now...Amy Winehouse! Adjusting her hair and singing. I must confess that I haven't heard "Rehab" yet, but on this showing, it's really not much to write home about. Joss Stone Needs Help. And that accent surgically removed. And perhaps, just perhaps, a longer skirt. James Morrison gets BRITish Male over JARVIS FUCKING COCKER AND THOM FUCKING YORKE. Turns out that the first swear was mine. Best International Male: Go Bob! Bah, they always give it to the younger guy. Justin gets the award. Now for The Killers. Singing! The Mormons you can trust, as at least they like New Order. And where the Scissor Sisters went all out, they have some icicle lights. Put some effort in, lads! Oh okay, they have some flashing lights for the latter half of the song. The hairy-toed she-beast that is Jo Whiley introduces Best BRITish Female. And the winner is...Amy Winehouse. Lily is getting shafted tonight. Amy might have had a touch to drink. Incidentally, Russell Brand is a complete distillation of today's UNICEF indictment of BRITish culture. I do apologise. Cat Power in Best International Female lineup still amuses me. Anyway, Nelly Furtado wins, but now, THE MAIN EVENT! TAKE THAT! You may scream like a little girl now. Everybody seems to thanking their record labels tonight. Perhaps they're going to have a whip-round for EMI in the interval? GILES! GILES! FROM BUFFY! My sister swoons! He's introducing Best BRITish Group, which, to be honest, is a mixture of mediocrity. The Arctic Monkeys win, and dress up as characters from Oz in a vain attempt to be interesting. Although, they're better at it than Brand. Best International Album goes to The Killers, and Simon Pegg gets the first swear. STOP THANKING YOUR RECORD LABELS! They didn't want to hang about. Oh, good. The Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Someone wake me up in five minutes (they were mean to Lauren Laverne earlier, which just gives me another reason to hate them. Not that I need too many). Oooh, dissed by Steven Tyler! Sophie Ellis-Bextor sasses Steven Tyler! Oh my! Scandal! Somewhat. Mmmm. Sophie Ellis-Bextor. Sorry. Anyway, The Killers win by virtue of showing up for the evening. Corinne Bailey Rae is helpfully giving us the rest we need before the final half-hour. Poor thing, she's probably still fighting off jet-lag. But now! EXCITEMENT! Best BRITish Single! Voted by the BRITish Public during the evening, making today's youth pause to text before continuing to film their latest happy slapping film on their mobile. And the winners are: Take That! Somewhere, in a rehab clinic eight thousand miles away, Robbie Williams is crying into his pillow. Arctic Monkeys win best album, so Lily does indeed go home empty handed, which seems a shame really. The Monkeys now dress up as The Village People. Haha. Oh, irony. How dead you are. Now, the Oasis exegesis. Liam is his usual loveable self, Noel is lost in a sea of tape-delay. Well, that was an anti-climax. And now! The band shows how much they've moved on since 1997, by...doing the same half-assed performance that they've done since 1994! A little stage presence! It's not too much to ask for. Oh for god's sake, if you're going to advertise it as "LIVE AND DANGEROUS!", then it's stupid to drop the sound during a performance. Especially considering it's Oasis! What do you expect them to do? And why, oh why, all these years after seeing the light and moving, does "(What's The Story) Morning Glory?" still raise the hairs on the back of my neck? I wish I understood! That was the BRIT Awards 2007. Live, Dangerous, Tape-Delayed To Fuck, And We'd Like To Thank Our Corporate Masters. |
