Tristan Prettyman - twenty-three

Genre rock Publisher Virgin Records External Links Tristan Prettyman Virgin Records

MUSIC COURT PART 54

OCTOBER 17, 2005

[Presiding over today's case is Judge Tavers, respected Justice of The Beat. He sits under the inscription IN MADONNA WE TRUST, holding his judgement drumsticks, ready to give his verdict in the cases of the day. For the prosecution, we have Mr. Tavistock, dressed in a gold-lamé suit and star-shaped sunglasses, while the defence is represented by Mr. Uttoxeter, in a crumpled, open white shirt and cheap black trousers, sipping an organic latté.]

JUDGE TAVERS: Order! This court is now in session. The first case before the court is #72435, against one Tristan Prettyman. Charges, Mr. Prosecutor?

MR. TAVISTOCK: Mr. Tavistock here for the prosecution, Your Honour. It is in our opinion that the defendant's debut release, twenty-three violates the 2001 DIDO Act, which states that only one wistful singer-songwriter can be active at any one time and -

MR. UTTOXETER: Objection, Your Honour! That law is a completely unconstitutional, and the prosecution knows it!

JUDGE TAVERS: I believe that the Supreme Court has yet to say yay or nay on that front, Mr. Uttoxeter, so your objection is noted, and overruled. Mr. Tavistock, please continue.

MR. TAVISTOCK: Certainly. If Your Honour would direct yourself to Exhibit A, the lyrics of the first track, entitled, "Love, Love, Love"?

[MR. TAVISTOCK hands a sheet of paper to the judge, who reads it, becoming more appalled as he scans each line]

JUDGE TAVERS: My goodness! Is this correct? The song really has "love, love, love, oh love" as part of its chorus?

MR. TAVISTOCK: Indeed so.

JUDGE TAVERS: What vileness!

MR. UTTOXETER: Your Honour, there are circumstances explaining -

JUDGE TAVERS: Not in this court, Mr. Uttoxeter. We have standards here.

MR. TAVISTOCK: If I may play the song in question?

[MR. TAVISTOCK presses play on a CD player, and a soft, not unpleasant, acoustic guitar fills the court, followed by a gentle, quite nice breathy female voice. The judge frowns.]

JUDGE TAVERS: Mr. Tavistock, you have the correct CD?

MR. TAVISTOCK. Yes, Your Honour.

JUDGE TAVERS: But I thought this case was against Tristan Prettyman?

MR. TAVISTOCK: Indeed it is.

JUDGE TAVERS: Then why am I hearing a woman's voice?

MR. TAVISTOCK: That's her, Your Honour. Tristan Prettyman.

JUDGE TAVERS (grumbling): Youth of today, I despair. You don't call a girl Jack, do you? Or a boy Vera? I blame the parents, myself.

MR. UTTOXETER: Surely, Your Honour, her name has nothing to do with the case?

JUDGE TAVERS: Indeed. I shall ponder the destruction of society's fragile fabric another time. Please continue.

MR. TAVISTOCK: I'd like to introduce Exhibit B, "The Story," a song which spiked in the 95th percentile when we tested it against the cliché polygraph.

[MR. TAVISTOCK presses a button on the CD player again, and "The Story" plays, beginning with: "I'm the icing on the cake / I'm the secret ingredient you're missing / I'm the sidewalk but I'm not complete / And I'm the reason that baby, you're trippin'"]

MR. UTTOXETER: Objection! The song is using the well-established sub-clause that allows use of such high cliché use for irony reasons!

JUDGE TAVERS: Sustained. It's an intriguing twist on love gone sour; you'll have to do better than that, Mr. Tavistock.

MR. TAVISTOCK: Very well, I present Exhibit C, "Songs For The Rich," which is, as you'll hear, is an almost direct copy of Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car."

[MR. TAVISTOCK plays the track; the judge visibly winces at the drawn-out pronunciation of "generation" that occurs halfway through.]

JUDGE TAVERS: Ouch. Does the defence have anything to say to mitigate this?

MR. UTTOXETER: We hold our hands up to this one, Your Honour.

JUDGE TAVERS: Good. I don't like weasels.

MR. TAVISTOCK: Also, the prosecution objects to being labelled as a criminal for the audacity of putting the album on his iPod.

MR. UTTOXETER: Objection! Ms. Prettyman is not responsible for the transgressions of her record label!

JUDGE TAVERS: Sustained.

MR. TAVISTOCK: Did I mention, Your Honour, how ravishing you look in those new robes?

JUDGE TAVERS: Really?

MR. TAVISTOCK: You cut a svelte figure across the courthouse. The District Attorney's office is all a-chatter with your new fashion choices.

JUDGE TAVERS: Why thank you. The court overrules the previously sustained objection.

MR. UTTOXETER: Hey!

JUDGE TAVERS: Have a care, Mr. Uttoxeter. I saw you roll your eyes at my fabulous new gown when I entered. Do you have anything to say in defence of the accused?

MR. UTTOXETER: Yes, Your Honour. We would like to point out that the record in question is not harsh to the ears, that it comprises eleven songs in a contemporary acoustic style, and does so with aplomb. It also includes a jaunty collaboration with Jason Mraz, a singer-songwriter -

JUDGE TAVERS: Is this Jason Mraz a girl?

MR. UTTOXETER: No, Your Honour.

JUDGE TAVERS: Thank goodness.

MR. UTTOXETER: Anyway, we believe that the album is competent enough and does the world no harm by existing.

JUDGE TAVERS: Hmm. Very well. I hereby rule that twenty-three violates the DIDO Act, but I will only sentence her to a two-star review. For I quite like the young people's acoustic sounds, and wish to hear more of this sort of thing, rather than the noise that I believe they refer to as "rock and roll."

MR. UTTOXETER: We will be filing an appeal against this verdict, Your Honour.

MR. TAVISTOCK: We would like to bring to the court's attention a certain incident involving the defence counsel, a Scoutmaster, a maid, and a most unusual use of a goldfish -

[Mr. Uttoxeter rushes over to tackle Mr. Tavistock.]

MR. UTTOXETER: You swine! And what about your obsession with the tea-lady's currant buns?

MR. TAVISTOCK: You leave Mrs Munnery out of this!

MR. UTTOXETER: Her scones are as hard as rocks!

JUDGE TAVERS: What!? I have no besmirching of Mrs Munnery's scones in this courtroom!

[The judge jumps down onto the courtroom floor, and begins attacking the other two. Fade out.]