Oceansize - Everyone Into Position

Genre rock Publisher Beggars Banquet External Links Official Website Beggars Banquet

I need to sleep. I've been up for five days straight. My insides feel like a cold ashtray and my eyes look like half-sucked atomic fireballs. My feet are really dirty from running across miles and miles of bare earth. My muscles are starting to atrophy from overuse and undernourishment. I can't hold an erection. And my armpits smell gross.

Just kidding! I'm fine. But this CD really sucks. So badly that one listen made me feel just how that first paragraph described. Can you believe it?

Everyone Into Position is, literally, bad 90's alternative rock (think Alice in Chains clusterfucking Stone Temple Pilots and you're getting warm) mixed by Danton Supple, who worked on the last two Coldplay records. How desperate do you have to be, as a band - or more likely as a band's management team - to try and ride Coldplay's stubby little wiener by using their mixer?

Guess what. One time, the annoying cartoonist who used to be on the Real World San Francisco mixed my Manhattan, but you don't see me smearing my liver in your face about it. Well, actually now you do, but it was only to prove a point.

This is an exhausting record. It sounds like B-sides from all of the worst second-wave grunge bands of the Nineties pieced together into one big 3D puzzle of suckage. Lots of heavy brooding and droning, swirling guitar strapped to plodding drums and blubbery bass. To put it another way, it sounds like that band The Toadies, trapped inside a jar of molasses.

But just to be fair, if reading the words Real World San Francisco made your heart sink because you miss all of those silly egoist twats and all of the stupid music their protracted fifteen minutes of fame was set to, then this album is for you. Have at it.